On gaslighting
Rooting yourself in reality
“Overreacting” is a naughty word. So is “overreaction,” “overreact,” and “overreacted.”
All feelings and perspectives are true experiences. They exist within our brains and bodies. Our feelings and perspectives are to be noticed, allowed, and investigated.
Though, not all of our feelings are rooted in reality. Sometimes I feel anxious in a social situation where there is ultimately no threat. Sometimes I feel angry with someone whom I discovered to be actually working toward my benefit. And I have felt affection toward someone whom I discovered to have actually been love-bombing me.
Not all of our perspectives are rooted in reality. I have felt certain I remembered dialogue or images that have later proved to be incorrect by a re-listen or a re-watch. I have made intentional decisions, despite the warnings of others, that turned out to be whopping mistakes. And I have held strong opinions on which I have decidedly flipped.
Where gaslighting comes in is when people challenge our feelings and perspectives by questioning our sanity. Psychologically manipulative, emotionally abusive, gaslighting can be subtle, a slow burn, à la the frog in boiling water. Or it can be brazen, the denial of objective evidence, à la the entire Trump regime.
The goal is power, to get people to doubt themselves enough to be controlled.
The term gaslighting derives from Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 stage play, Gas Light (followed-up by two films, in 1940 and 1944, of the same name). The story follows a woman whose husband attempts to control her by convincing her that she is psychotic. He does this by dimming the lights in their home - the lights powered by gas - denying that the lights had changed when his wife later points out the change.
Gaslighting is not someone disagreeing with you. It is not someone having a different idea, a different memory, a different account, a different opinion, or a different reaction. It is not someone asking for clarification, challenging your perspective, or trying to simplify a complex situation in order to solve a problem.
Gaslighting is a calculated tactic rooted in lies, with the goal of dominance, accomplished by weaponizing your open-mindedness. And these tactics are often a test to see how far the perpetrator(s) can go before more aggressive terrorism is ushered in.
What gaslighting may sound like:
“You’re overreacting.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You really do just make stuff up in your head, don’t you?.”
“Other people told me that they don’t think it was that big of a deal, it’s subjective.”
“My therapist says that you like to create your own reality.”
“That’s your sister, she would never do something like that.”
“Your neurodivergence is why I yelled.”
"I wouldn’t get so mad if you wouldn’t act so crazy."
"Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.”
“I seriously think you have Borderline Personality Disorder.”
“You’re gaslighting me.”
Rest in what is objectively real. Listen to your senses. Use critical thinking, your whole brain. Avoid submitting, erasing yourself. Seek clarity, and be willing to change your mind when faced with new evidence. Set your boundaries and cease power-struggling. Vote for politicians who promote freedom. Lean on emotionally mature communities.
And don’t allow anyone outside of a mental health professional to diagnose you.
This blog entry from Adam Arnold, MA, LMFT, LADC is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of medicine, psychology, mental health counseling, chemical health counseling, spiritual or religious guidance, or other professional health care services, including the giving of medical advice, and no provider/patient relationship is formed. The use of the content provided by Arnold is at the participant’s own risk. The content of this blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Participants should not disregard, or delay in obtaining, medical advice for any medical condition they may have, and should seek the assistance of their health care professionals for any such conditions.